U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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