Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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