Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
