The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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