I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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