The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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