I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
