some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
