all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You are a genius and a whore.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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