gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
