I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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