his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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