it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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