it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
