The beer is more important than you right now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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