Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
