those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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