I can text with my tongue
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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