I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
