PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
