As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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