Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We don't watch enough power rangers
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
