fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
