Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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