if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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