do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
