I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
