there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
