We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
