First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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