She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
