she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
