This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I should be sponsored by Trojan
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
