So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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