Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
