I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
