does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
