believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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