i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
