He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
