3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
