Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
