I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
