Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
