dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sober January is a disaster.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
