piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
