dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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