you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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