I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
