youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
