Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
