I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
