You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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