I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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