If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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