how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just invented taco cereal.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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