i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
