She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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